John Adams is just amazing!
I can’t believe how strong the winds were here in Liverpool last night.
I woke up this morning and my tools had disappeared from my shed and my car was not on the drive.
The wife was ogling some guy in a romantic comedy. “I bet he could push the right buttons” she winked mockingly.“How’s this for the right button?” I said as I flicked to Sky Sports.
What’s the one part of vegetables that you can’t eat?
The wheelchair.
I don’t understand the authorities saying “We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”What are they talking about? I just managed to get a free can of Coke with my kebab.
Why did the semen cross the road?
Because it was my first wank in two weeks.
I phoned the police the other day.“What’s your emergency?” they asked.
I said, “Two girls are fighting over me.”
“OK,” she paused. “Well what’s the problem?”
“The fat one’s winning.”
Coldplay at their best!
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
