Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall

I can’t believe how strong the winds were here in Liverpool last night.

I woke up this morning and my tools had disappeared from my shed and my car was not on the drive.

The wife was ogling some guy in a romantic comedy. “I bet he could push the right buttons” she winked mockingly.

“How’s this for the right button?” I said as I flicked to Sky Sports.

What’s the one part of vegetables that you can’t eat?
The wheelchair.

I don’t understand the authorities saying “We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

What are they talking about? I just managed to get a free can of Coke with my kebab.

Why did the semen cross the road?
Because it was my first wank in two weeks.

I phoned the police the other day.

“What’s your emergency?” they asked.
I said, “Two girls are fighting over me.”
“OK,” she paused. “Well what’s the problem?”
“The fat one’s winning.”